I wanted to share this with you folks. Last fall, I applied to be one of the OU Daily's opinion columnists, and this was my sample column. I wanted to do a fake advice column, but the opinion editor didn't like the idea. Instead, he picked fundamentalist homophobe Wes Provine to dazzle us each week with such comments as, "Whatever happened to 'God said it, so I believe it?'" Since my beautiful sample column will never be published, I will immortalize it here. Hope you enjoy.

Dear Muskrat,

I just came to OU this semester and already I feel pretty overwhelmed! I came from a small high school and I’m afraid I can’t write well enough for college professors. Can you tell me how to get A’s on papers? Thanks!

Kevin, Freshman, University College

Dear Kevin,

Don’t fret. If there’s one thing I’ve learned during my time at OU, it’s how to get an A on any paper in any class. Here are some things to consider when writing to impress your professors:

1. Is the length of your paper too short, but you have nothing left to say? A lot of people try to bring in the margins, but I promise you professors always notice that. What you should do is go to your spacing options in your word processing program and put the space on “2.2”—it’s a little more than double spacing, but small enough that your professor will never notice, and it will give you at least ½ a page more.

2. Are you actually trying to express your own opinion? You’ve already lost the battle. Your job in any class it to figure out what your professor thinks and then write a paper as close to that opinion is possible. Sure, maybe you can support your theory that the works of Plato, Aristotle, and Dean Koontz are actually written by the same person, but unless Dr. Tweed already agrees with you, your A is out of reach.

3. Always remember that everyone’s favorite “paper” is the green kind with dead presidents on the back. A $20 bill paper-clipped to the back of any paper is always appreciated.

4. Most people don’t realize that professors only read one-fourth to one-third of a student’s paper before assigning it a grade. Professors are extremely busy! Spend a lot of time making sure the first few pages of your paper are well-written, and for the rest of the pages, just type “doo wah diddy diddy dum diddy doo” over and over again. They’ll never even get to it.

5. I always like to write “A” at the end of my paper, along with a few scrawling comments in red ink. When your professor reads it, she’ll think she already read it and simply set it in the “finished” pile.

6. Are you an illiterate OU football player? Someone should be taking care of your A’s for you. Tell the person who’s reading you this article to look up the number of the athletic office for you if you’re having problems.

7. Whatever you do, don’t ever, ever, ever plagiarize in your paper unless you really have to.

8. When all else fails, you can still get an A by killing an intelligent classmate and assuming his/her identity. Just make sure the person isn’t me, because then I won’t be able to give you any more advice.