If wishes were horses beggars could ride...

No, I haven't left blogging for good, as I first thought I would a while ago. Most of you have probably heard by now (I mean, there's only four of you) that Elliot cheated on me with my friend Courtney, and we broke up. For a while, I thought I didn't want to blog anymore, since I didn't want to write about what was happening. But I suppose it's healthy to get this stuff out, even if it's only to people who are sick of hearing about it.

Things have improved a bit since I first heard the news. For the first five days or so, there was no eating, no sleeping, and no moment where I couldn't spontaneously burst into tears. Someone told me to put away all of the things that reminded me of him. To do that, unfortunately, I would have to burn my apartment down. If you spend more than two years with someone, I defy you to locate anything in your life that doesn't remind you of him. I decided instead to try and get out of my apartment. That seemed to help considerably, but coming back here was still terrifying. It's like a minefield; I'm afraid every time I open a door or a drawer there will be something else waiting to remind me of Elliot.

It's frightening when you think you know what your future will look like, and then all the plans you made disappear. Elliot and I knew what our future home would look like, what we would name our children, and where we would want to live. Now my future is a blank; I have no idea what my life will look like even six months from now. On the one hand, it's kind of a relief. I was worried about how I was going to attend a top-notch grad school while I was following Elliot to whatever random school he went after OU. I didn't want to give up all the exciting plans I had for my life, and I was secretly terrified that Elliot would do nothing but sit in his study and read and never want to travel or have great adventures. Would I have married a workaholic and then watched on the sidelines as he spent every moment of his time trying to get ahead in his career? I guess I'll never know. On the other hand, I can't deny that I truly believed we would be happy together for the rest of our lives. How often in life do you have that kind of certainty? Very rarely for me, and even more rarely for Elliot (as it turns out).

When I look back at this time later, I'll say I was saved by the bell. Elliot's Christmas gift to me was a 5 DVD set of Saved By the Bell Seasons 1 and 2. Watching one episode after another was the only thing that could keep me from losing it. I went through the entire set in no time at all, and I'm grateful that I had all those episodes to make me turn my brain off for a while. I wish I had Seasons 3 and 4, but I'm so poor I can't afford anything right now. It's very difficult to be poor when all you want to do is distract yourself by going out, drinking, watching movies, etc., all of which require money. Elliot offered me money before he left, but of course I couldn't take it, as much as I needed it. Perhaps I should have, as a divorce settlement of sorts.

I feel so alone most of the time. I don't know why you have to keep loving someone even when they do horrible things to you. I wish the love could just go away, and not build up in your chest until you can't breathe. I wish the phone would ring and it would be someone who loves me. I wish I didn't have to be afraid to fall asleep because I know I'll dream about him all night long. I wish I knew what wasn't enough about me, what's never been enough for anyone. I wish I could afford to go to a therapist. I wish...

Maybe it's time to stop wishing. I used to wish on every penny and every falling star that Elliot and I would be together forever. Maybe it's time instead to swallow hard and lie down alone in my bed. Maybe tonight I'll let my body stretch over onto his side. I'll start by reclaiming the bed; maybe the rest will follow.