And this is hard

At the end of every relationship, there is always the question of whether or not love is worth the pain it causes in the end. Obviously, we all believe it is, or we wouldn't keep putting our hearts on the line again and again; we would just give up on love after our hearts were broken. I remember when Elliot called to tell me that he was engaged, I had to go to a show E (from work) was putting on the next night. I didn't want to go, but I had promised, and everyone else from work was already there when I arrived. I said my hellos and then wandered off by myself for a bit, staring up at the stage and letting myself really feel feel the pain for the first time since he told me the day before. Everything that I had felt when we broke up was now coming back from where I had hidden it deep, deep down in myself. In that moment, my eyes filled up with tears, but I also found myself smiling. I knew in that moment that love was worth it, that I wouldn't have given up the incredible beauty and joy of the time we had together to avoid the pain I was feeling now. It was a wonderful realization, and I'll remember that feeling for the rest of my life.

That weekend, I drove to Fort Worth to meet Jeff halfway between our respective cities, and fell into his arms like a lost child. Here we go again...

And now that's over, too--really over, since he told me Sunday that he wasn't in love with me anymore. Since then my love for him has felt like a gang of rats eating their way through my stomach lining. Saturday night when we crawled into his bed together and he pulled me to him and whispered "My baby," the way he had a hundred times before, I think I would have said yes at that moment if he had asked me to marry him. And now I don't know when I'll see him again. I'm still there, in his bed, even now. I wonder how long it will take me to come back to myself, and if I even want to this time. I'm back here again; I can't believe it. And is it worth it?

Gentle reader, it is.