10 Things You Might Not Expect Me to Hate

1. The American obsession with body hair. Me, I don't shave. Anything. On my body. Ever. I used to shave my legs every couple of months, but now I've given that up, too. It's not as bad as it sounds, though: I'm naturally almost completely hairless, anyway, so I decided to cherish what I have.

2. The Peanuts comic. Hate it. It's not funny, it's not cute, I don't identify with Charlie Brown, I don't think Snoopy is cool, I don't give a shit. Okay? Feel free to delete me out of your cell phone.

3. Children's movies. Yes, they were fun when I was a kid, but now I'm an adult, and I want to watch grown-up movies. Fuck Pixar, I don't care how cool their computer animations are, they can still go to hell. I hope that Nemo gets lost again and never comes back. I hope that the claymation Rudolph gets his legs pulled off by the abominable snowman. I hope that the Spy Kids go spy in Iraq and get killed by the Kurds. As soon as someone says to me, "Sure, it's a kid's movie, but they put a lot of stuff in there that only adults could understand and laugh at," my fingers involuntarily start scratching around for a knife.

4. People who crinkle their noses when someone stands near them with a cigarette. Go home and snort Febreeze, you fucking cunt. No one will miss you here.

5. My allergy shots. No, I don't enjoy jabbing a needle into my thigh, pulling it out a bit to make sure I haven't hit a vein, and then injecting the clear fluid under my skin so it can make a big red itchy spot there. I don't cherish the 20 minutes after that moment when I have to wait around and see if I'm going to die from anaphylactic shock, and I don't cherish the next hour I have to wait before I can breathe normally again.

6. Howard Dean. Thanks for wasting months and months of my time on your campaign by screaming like a complete idiot on national television. I sat at a fucking BOOTH in the STUDENT UNION for you, in front of everyone at OU, once a fucking WEEK for MONTHS. And what did you ever do for me? You fucked it up. You fucked it up!

7. People who suck at open mic night. Why can't they just realize that they aren't any good? Not only do they think they're amazing singers and songwriters, they think that the appropriate length for each of their songs is 7 minutes with a round of six choruses at the end. There is one problem with hating the people who suck, though: I have to hate myself, too. But at least our songs only last 2-3 minutes each, and we don't give stupid intros to our songs: "This is a song I wrote about a girl I used to know; she broke my heart, but I never forgot her. It's called 'The Taste of You.'" Nooooooooo!

8. The guy who ripped out the Minuard's eye. I know he doesn't actually exist, but if he did, I would hate him.

9. My cousin Jeff. I got car insurance through my uncle's insurance agency in Dallas because I thought working with family would be easier than dealing with a cold, impersonal company, only to find out that that Jeff is the worst insurance agent ever to exist. I hate you, Jeff. If it weren't for your father, you would never be able to get a job anywhere. Oh, and by the way, all three of your kids are ugly.

10. Alex Trebek without the moustache. Ugh. Grow it back!