Oh, he's into you, he's just into other girls, too.

I'm learning all about breakups these days. Now I see why people are always writing books about divorce and breakups; you figure out a lot of things and you think the information might be useful to other people. The problem is, of course, that no one will really care about what you wrote until they've broken up with someone, too, and then they'll learn it all themselves. I wonder if people ever really learn that much from each other, and if they ever avoid doing stupid things just because someone older and wiser told them not to. I doubt it.

Here's one of the unexpected things about breaking up with someone, and probably about loss in general: the sadness does not follow any clear pattern. When I first found out about what happened, I thought I would be very sad for a long time, but that the sadness would lessen day by day in tiny increments. I guess that's a cliche--growing a little stronger every day and such. But for me, I never know what days it will all hit me and what days I'll be okay. Today, for instance, I was very sad and still missing Elliot very much. A few days ago, I felt pretty well, like I had just narrowly escaped some horrible accident and I was relieved to have gotten away in time. Who knows how I'll feel tomorrow? I guess eventually things do go from bad to okay to good again, but that's the big picture. The day-to-day stuff is schizophrenic.

Tonight I went to a book signing/reading at a local "womyn's" book store called Book Woman. The book was titled Vaginas: An Owner's Manual, and the authors (a mother and daughter) were hilarious. I got a bit ill during the detailed discussions of abortion techniques, ovarian cysts, and the things that can happen to your vagina when you get really old (you don't want to know), but all in all I really enjoyed the presentation. I couldn't afford the book, but someday I'll buy it and learn more about my vagina. If you ladies out there want to hear some words of advice from the professionals tonight, I can tell you something very important: it's all about the Kegels.

Today we celebrated LF's (boss) birthday at a great place called Gumbo's. I likes me some cajun food--bring on the blackened catfish! Truth be told, I haven't been that happy with LF lately, especially considering she dragged us to Houston yesterday to present to our corporate sponsor for AN HOUR AND A HALF before we had to go back. That's over three hours there, and back the same way. Six and a half hours of driving for a fleeting moment in Houston. I wouldn't even drive six hours to Norman to see Elliot unless I could get an extra day off work. After that much time in a car, you start to despise everyone and start having fantasies about the car hurtling off a bridge. Anyway, I managed to celebrate LF's birthday in style, despite the trouble we've been having lately. It's been so long since I've been in a nice restaurant that I couldn't help but perk up. Food stamps are great, but they don't come with atmosphere, y'know?

I read on the Giles' blog that Elliot is having his birthday party tomorrow. I just can't believe that I won't be there, giving him some extravagant gift like I always do. I can't believe that a bunch of people I really like will be celebrating his birth right now. Shouldn't we have to go to court for custody of friends? Of course I'm kidding; I'm not really that bitter, but it helps to joke about it.

Alright, gotta stop the moany shit and get to bed. Speaking of which, I went to bed at 11 last night to see if I would still wake up at 5am (meaning that time is what wakes me up) or at 4am, meaning my body always wants to wake up after 5 hours. I woke up at 4, but I got back to sleep a little later. Here's hoping that things are improving...