Subterranean Anteater Test?

What does "SAT" stand for, anyway? Anyone out there know? I offered my students a big prize if they could tell me. A few tried the predictable answers (Student Achievement Test, Standard Aptitude Test, Standard Assessment Test, etc.) and then gave up. Would you like for me to tell you?

SAT = nothing

It doesn't stand for anything. Do you hear me? IT DOESN'T STAND FOR ANYTHING. It's an acronym with no meaning...does it even still count as an acronym? It began as the Scholastic Aptitude Test, until people started protesting that the test did not, in fact, measure any sort of aptitude (there are plenty of studies to back this up). So they (The College Board) changed the name to Scholastic Achievement Test. This was an ill-fated choice, because the same people who said it didn't measure aptitude were right back to say it didn't measure achievement, either. So in 1994, the letters "SAT" became a floating signifier of sorts, disconnected from any link between letter and word. They just decided to hell with it, no matter what we do, someone will always be outside picketing. From then on the "S.A.T." was just the "SAT." I think they should call it the "SIT," since with the new writing section you are sitting on your ass in a chair for 3 hours and 45 minutes.

My juniors are pretty worried about the SAT. And it's no wonder, since most of them have scores well below the national average. I thought I knew nothing about math, but in front of these kids, I'm Ms. Fucking Math Whiz. I know how to FOIL binomials and they think I'm a genius. They seem to have trouble with even the simplest algebraic problems, and trying to get them to understand the rules of exponents is quite a task. At first I was afraid I would look like a moron up there, since they were all still taking math classes and I had CLEPed my way out of any college math 5 years ago. I got a D in Algebra II; granted, that was more because I was sick and severely depressed during my junior year than anything, but still, I don't have a lot of confidence in my abilities with numbers. My sweet little simpletons, however, make me feel like a genius. Now I finally know why people teach high-schoolers; it's the only way they can feel smart. (Just kidding, Todd.)

For an update on the whole "my heart is broken" thing...it's still broken. Although I think I got a divine message the other day. I was thinking about what happened with Elliot and how completely lost I was without the future I had been building, and I opened the Bible looking for some comforting words. The passage I opened to was 1 Corinthians 7:32-39. I'll let you all look that one up for yourselves, if you're curious. It'll do you some good to read Paul, my most loved and hated biblical figure. Enjoy.