Lapis Lazuli

My friend Akbar and I have been through some rough times during the almost 9 years that we've known one another. We've had incredible ups and devastating downs, and there have been times when we were both sure we would never speak to each other again. In late high school and early college, he garnered the nickname Captain Jackass for all of his relationship shenanigans. He did things so stupid that you wouldn't believe me if I told them to you; I'll just let you think about how you would feel about a guy who broke up with his girlfriend while his best friend was hiding in the back seat so he could listen in (yes, she caught them). He is also the biggest procrastinator of anyone I ever met. You may have known some procrastinators in your life, but I promise you, Akbar takes the cake. He went so far into Procrastination World that he actually began to cease turning in any papers in his college classes. It began as starting his papers the night before, then became three o' clock in the morning before, and finally turned into an hour before class, which of course became not finishing the paper at all.

I was thinking about all of this today, and all that I have been through cleaning up after this guy's insanity, and I was shocked to realize that I have more respect for him than most of the people I have encountered in my entire life.

Why?

If there is one quality I think I value above almost all others in another person, it is the ability to love someone and be at peace with them on a deep level WHILE he/she is violently disagreeing with them. This is a very rare quality to find in a friend and even rarer to find in a lover. Some people think that this shouldn't be a quality to value at all, that it only means the other person doesn't care about you and isn't affected by anything you say. I disagree, obviously. The point, my friends, is this: Akbar possesses this quality to a degree of perfection that can only be called an art, and for that reason he will always have my deepest respect. I have fought tooth and nail with this man about everything from politics to religion to deeply personal issues, and as emotional as we got, we knew and could feel that on some unshakable bedrock of friendship, we were still okay. For that reason, we have developed one of the most refreshing and brutally honest friendships I've had the pleasure to enjoy, and there is nothing one of us could say or joke about that would offend the other.

And don't mistake this situation as something that developed over time and experience with one another. We've been through a lot, yes, but I've been through a lot with many people and it still seems like it takes nothing but a puff of wind to knock over our entire friendship. It just is, it was, and it always will be, kind of like God. I find myself seeking this quality in everyone I meet, but Akbar is a diamond in the rough, I'm afraid. Something about the relationship between us is set apart from the way humans seem born to interact.

Why am I going on and on about Akbar, you ask? Last night I got into an online spat with Ed, and I realized that every time he and I have disagreed or fought, I have felt a very deep anger and violent disgust coming from him. It doesn't mean he really hates me or that we won't really be okay someday, but I don't feel like we can disagree and still respect one another. Last night's issue was very personal, but one time I remember we were in Tulsa and we were arguing passionately about Wal-Mart and its effects on local communities. He was so upset by the end of the conversation that it made the rest of dinner with Laura uncomfortable. I was fine. I didn't see how disagreeing with someone about a political issue, even to the point where you think what they're saying is stupid, irrational, and flat-out wrong, means that at the end you have to dislike each other. I suppose if it's some issue about racism or homophobia and you really feel like the other person is a bad human being deep down because of how they feel, you might be justified in feeling that way. Otherwise, however, I just don't stop liking someone even when we're on completely opposite sides of the fence. In fact, the harder someone fights and the more rationally and evenly they try to break down my own arguments, the more I end up respecting them. I hate the feeling that I have to sugar-coat things and dance around an issue just to avoid a fight. I even offered to Ed never to talk about anything again if we disagreed on the issue; I would rather do that than fight with him. He signed off AIM before we could settle that point, but I think that's just what we'll have to do in the future.

I'm sure you've all had these conversations before, and like me, you've probably been on both sides of them:
Person A: The opinion that you hold about x is completely wrong and not a little bit ignorant.
Person B: How dare you call me ignorant!

You see what happens, Larry? You have to walk a fine line when you tell someone that what they're saying is stupid, because they will illogically conclude that if they are saying something stupid, they must be stupid, therefore you are calling them stupid. But intelligent people are still apt to say stupid things sometimes--I should know.

So the fight was a complete disaster. You remember my post long ago about the way people act on AIM, and last night was no exception. Ed made sure to type two long paragraphs of rebuttals before quickly signing off in a huff so I couldn't comment on what he said. Only on IM are people this rude; I hope it doesn't star spilling over into the rest of society. I tried to talk to him about it again later, and was treated to a nice "fuck off" and another signing-off right after yet another lengthy paragraph. His arguments can be like drive-by shootings.

If you're still with me at this point, I hope you will go here: http://quotations.about.com/cs/poemlyrics/a/Lapis_Lazuli.htm and read this poem. At the very least, read the last stanza. It may help you understand Akbar, because as Yeats put it, his "ancient, glittering eyes, are gay."