Some quotes from my life

If you want to know how surreal things are becoming these days, read the following quotations from my actual life. To protect the innocent, I will not attribute the quotes, but some of them may be obvious to those of you who know my friends/co-workers down here. I will admit that at least one of these is from me:

[Leaning over the six-month-old baby's bouncy chair]"Hi, sweetie. I'm your daddy's mistress."

"If our target audience is blond-headed second graders who lost their virginity when they were eight..."

"They'll cut open my foot, move these two bones back together, and then stick a screw in there to keep them in place."

"If the real reason you didn't make out with me is that you had to write a paper on race and ethnicity, that is sad."

"So she's a prostitute, but she won't have sex with you?"

"Yeah, meet us at our apartment complex out in the hot tub. Bring bathing suits and towels. I mean, we'll be naked, but you can wear whatever."

"There are many men who will pay excellent money for a prostitute with a PhD." (This was said by the degreed prostitute herself.)

"We had sex four and a half times!"

"You don't like Ani Difranco? You're straight."

"What is it about queers that I love so much?"

"Here's my new policy: if I like you and want to be your friend, I'm not going to sleep with you."

"We were making out and I saw his sideburns and almost puked."

"A toast! To the Finnish!"

[with complete sincerity] "After that, I moved to Florida and became a pirate for about a year."

"And then, all hail broke loose."

"This lentil soup has botulism."

"If my snoring keeps you awake, we can just make out instead."

"I'm not giving a Jello shot a blow job."

"God, I love smoking. I want to do it every day."

"See, exactly, I don't have a prostate, so it's just not the same experience for me."

"Blue clit sounds like the name of a girl punk band."

Doesn't my life sound interesting? It's so interesting that now I need to go take a nap.