A Tribute to Patton Oswalt: The Comedians' Poet

"At Black Angus, we'll start you off with our appetizer platter, featuring five jumbo deep-fried gulf shrimp, served on a disc of salted butter, with fifteen of our potato bacon bombs, and a big bowl of pork cracklins, with our cheese and butter dippin' sauce."

"Uhh...we're all gonna split that--"

"OH, YOU'LL EACH GET YOUR OWN! Then we'll take you to our mile-long soup and salad bar, featuring bacon and cheese cream soup and our five-head of iceberg lettuce He-Man salad, served in a punch bowl, with 18 pounds of ranch dressing, pork-stuffed deep fried croutons, and what the hell, a couple of corn dogs!"

"Uhh...hey, man, I'll tell you what, I'll just...I'll get like a mixed green salad."

"Hey, I'll suck a cock on the Golden Gate bridge before I bring you a mixed green, buddy!"

"I--what? I--"

"Then we'll wheel out our bottomless trough of fried dough!"

"I--wha? Wait a minute. Am I getting a steak?"

"Oh, you'll get a fuckin' steak! 'Cause then we'll bring out our 55-ounce Los Mesa He-Man steak slab, served with a deep-fried pumpkin stuffed with buttered scallops, and 53 of our potato bacon bombs."

"Oh, dude, I don't think--"

"And then bend over, Abigail May, 'cause here comes the gravy pipe!"

"I--wh-what?

"Black Angus. Doors are locked from the outside, faggot!!"