Emails at Work, Part 2

My loves, my only joy, my clients,

Are you in the market for an old, used, beige, enormous, bulky, multi-function fax machine? Then may I recommend the stunning JetFax M5 with Powerscan Multifunction Machine? And you won't believe the price--it's practically free! You don't have to give me one cent. All you have to do is hold me for 20-30 seconds while I weep violently (my therapist is out of town this week).

I couldn't find a picture of it on the internet, which may have something to do with the fact that it was built before cameras were invented, but I'd be more than happy to show it to you. If you don't think you could use it for its original multi-functions, then it could also be used as an extra chair, a decorative antique showpiece, or a bludgeoning device.

Act now! Don't let this beauty slip away!

(A) YOU EXPRESSLY AGREE THAT USE OF JETFAX M5 IS AT YOUR SOLE RISK. NEITHER -------, NOR ANY OF THEIR RESPECTIVE EMPLOYEES, WARRANT THAT JETFAX M5 WILL BE ERROR FREE; NOR DO THEY MAKE ANY WARRANTY AS TO THE RESULTS THAT MAY BE OBTAINED FROM USE OF JETFAX M5, OR AS TO THE ACCURACY, RELIABILITY OR CONTENT OF ANY INFORMATION, OR SERVICE PROVIDED THROUGH JETFAX M5

(B) JETFAX M5 IS PROVIDED ON AN "AS IS" BASIS WITHOUT WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EITHER EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, WARRANTIES OF TITLE OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY OR FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE, OTHER THAN THOSE WARRANTIES WHICH ARE IMPLIED BY AND INCAPABLE OF EXCLUSION, RESTRICTION OR MODIFICATION UNDER THE LAWS APPLICABLE TO THIS AGREEMENT.

(C) THIS DISCLAIMER OF LIABILITY APPLIES TO ANY DAMAGES OR INJURY CAUSED BY ANY FAILURE OF PERFORMANCE, ERROR, OMISSION, INTERRUPTION, DELETION, DEFECT, DELAY IN OPERATION OR TRANSMISSION, COMMUNICATION LINE FAILURE, THEFT OR DESTRUCTION OR UNAUTHORIZED ACCESS TO, ALTERATION OF, OR USE OF RECORD, WHETHER FOR BREACH OF CONTRACT, TORTIOUS BEHAVIOR, NEGLIGENCE, OR UNDER ANY OTHER CAUSE OF ACTION.

(D) IN NO EVENT WILL -------- OR ANY PERSON OR ENTITY INVOLVED IN CREATING, PRODUCING OR DISTRIBUTING JETFAX M5, BE LIABLE FOR ANY DAMAGES, INCLUDING, WITHOUT LIMITATION, DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, CONSEQUENTIAL OR PUNITIVE DAMAGES ARISING OUT OF THE USE OF OR INABILITY TO USE JETFAX M5. YOU HEREBY ACKNOWLEDGE THAT THE PROVISIONS OF THIS SECTION SHALL APPLY TO ALL CONTENT ON JETFAX M5.

(E) IN ADDITION TO THE TERMS SET FORTH ABOVE NEITHER -------, NOR ITS EMPLOYEES SHALL BE LIABLE REGARDLESS OF THE CAUSE OR DURATION, FOR ANY ERRORS, INACCURACIES, OMISSIONS, OR OTHER DEFECTS IN, OR UNTIMELINESS OR UNAUTHENTICITY OF, THE INFORMATION CONTAINED WITHIN JETFAX M5, OR FOR ANY DELAY OR INTERRUPTION IN THE TRANSMISSION THEREOF TO THE USER, OR FOR ANY CLAIMS OR LOSSES ARISING THEREFROM OR OCCASIONED THEREBY. NONE OF THE FOREGOING PARTIES SHALL BE LIABLE FOR ANY THIRD-PARTY CLAIMS OR LOSSES OF ANY NATURE, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, LOST PROFITS, PUNITIVE OR CONSEQUENTIAL DAMAGES.