The Light of My Life

I am currently listening on the internet to a small radio station in Sonoma, California, where a show with a very special guest is playing. That guest is not other than Elliot, or E-licious, as some call him. Apparently Elliot has some friends that have a radio show, and they decided to let him come to the studio and join the show. I just heard him say hello to me on the air, describing me as "the light of my life." Awwww....

I Know What You Did Last Christmas

slowly leering dry

star beckoning hooked snowman

mouldering elf bleeds

Where has Muskrat been, you ask? Well, I'm in Tulsa now, gaining weight and catching up on television. I haven't had cable in so long that watching MTV makes me dizzy; I feel like I'm forty years old and cranky. "Can't they sit still for five minutes?!" I can easily see why every kid in America is developing ADD. With pictures on TV changing every 3 seconds, you might start getting frustrated when it takes a full minute to read a page in a book.

The Circus Ended Badly

fool exalts grayly

carousel hums, flesh screaming

chimpanzee glowers

It's Christmas Eve, and I'm looking forward to getting a bunch of granny panties and weird socks that I'll never wear. Chalkthis is getting a very expensive digital camera, but here at my home we reject those bourgeois kind of gifts. We stick with things like spatulas and ill-fitting sweatpants. The most important thing is that I get to see my family, especially my brother, whom I haven't seen after being home for a week. He must really love me.

Don't Fear the Reaper

infamous cowbell

battering insipid plow

hovers breathlessly

I'm supposed to have lunch with Akbar today. We'll see if he shows up. I'm worried that he's going to want to talk about more serious matters, when I'd much rather have a lighthearted lunch. I haven't seen him since I moved to Austin back in July (has it really been that long?), and I don't remember us parting on the best of terms. That's a long story, so I won't go into it here, but I will tell you that Akbar always tries to play the hero, saving people from themselves. Let's hope that's not the case today.

The Giles' Sex Dream

echoes doze feebly

unhappy fitful woman

imagines, warm sheep

I hope to be doing some more blogging in the next few days. Those of you in Norman should know that I will be there on December 28th and will be staying until January 2nd. I hope to see some of you lovely folks! If you tell me later that you didn't know I was coming, it will prove that you never read my blog.

Haiku Generator

Pure chance writes the poems. I merely title them:

Medieval Spank Bank

chambermaids end, breasts

escape vividly, maidens

prying, agilely

Straw Poop

deceptive scarecrow

defecates blithely, pikes pray

empty dubious

Bad Blow Job

derelict slobbers

softly, softly, plums

submerge, shy fire

How Kenny G Will Die

lions leap, saucy

red saxophone quarrels, ewe

uncovers, fervent

My Apartment Complex

desolations rove

addicts unshackle, dry eyes

crawl, gangling breathless

Cinderella's Wedding Night

solitude moans, bride

imploring fingers soaring

fables reflect, grim

Waking Up on the Bar Counter

idle parasite

roaring pain eases, barman

replying, gently

My Friends' One-Night Stands

rapid narrow spear

bloating jackknife hardens, bronze

brokenhearted dazed

Try it for yourself, folks: Haiku Generator

And away she goes...

I just finished an instant message conversation with a friend that ended with my saying, "Have fun! WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM." Suddenly my life seems less exciting.

Muskrat's Genius List

In the old days, geniuses were people like Beethoven and Einstein: crazy hair and very popular.
These days, the geniuses are harder to spot, but they're still out there. Here are a few you might have missed:

1. The Guy Who Named His Brand of Duct Tape "Duck Tape." You've seen it in hardware stores, and maybe had a chuckle, but what you probably don't realize is that there are lots of morons out there who don't get the joke. There are plenty of people who have heard the words "duct tape" all their lives and they think they're hearing "duck tape." Therefore, when they actually SEE gray tape with the words "Duck Tape" on it, they think they've found the only choice and they buy it. They don't look in the rest of the aisle to see that there are actually much cheaper brands of generic "duct tape." They don't even realize that "Duck Tape" is a brand at all! Whoever came up with that one is a bona fide genius.

2. The Guy Who Figured Out that Commercials Don't Really Have to be About Anything. If only advertisers had known about this years ago, they wouldn't have wasted their time telling their audience actual facts about their products, such as "This will get your clothes cleaner," or "This tastes good." Finally, someone figured out that all you have to do is show anything, and I mean anything, for 30 seconds that will keep a drooling couch potato from changing the channel, and then flash the name of the product at the end. Innovators on this particular genius have also learned that they can just make abstract, eerie, nonsensical montages and then throw up a web address at the end that has nothing to do with what the viewer just saw. And then that asshole viewer gets up and goes to check out the website. Pure genius!

3. George W. Bush. Now I know some of you may see this as a stretch, but I just talked to Z, my co-worker, and she said that she saw a video of an old debate of W when he was running for governor. During that debate, he was poised, intelligent, well-spoken, and articulate. So what happened to him? Could it be, my fellow Americans, that Bush is just pretending to be dumb to win over all of the monosyllabic dipshits in the South and Midwest? That he's actually very smart, and all the bumbling on camera is just an act? If so, he's one of the great minds of our century, because his plan is working.

4. Jimmy Fallon. Since the 1970s, scores of actors have been trying to achieve fame and riches by being funny on Saturday Night Live. They've come up with funny characters, voices, costumes, and songs; it must have taken countless hours of practice to perfect their comic techniques. But it took a great mind like Jimmy Fallon's to figure out that all you have to do to be famous on SNL is to fuck up every skit by laughing like you're a member of the audience who just happened to walk on stage during the production. Wow; his genius is staggering.

5. That Guy Who Sold His Soul on eBay. He actually made $1,325 from the deal. What a genius! In fact, I'd like to recognize anyone who has been able to sell anything on eBay that has no real monetary value. There are people paying hundreds of dollars for virtual items on eBay every day, including cars and houses, to put into their Sims games. I myself actually sold five Gmail invites for ten dollars, back when the invites were really hard to get. It takes a genius to realize that if you don't have anything to sell, you just pretend you do, and that works just as well.