15 Years Ago, I:

1. Was 8 years old in the 2nd grade. I was older than most of my classmates because I was held back in 1st grade. That's right, Muskrat was a fucking dunce.

2. Was probably drawing a turkey based on an outline of my own hand.

3. Played every day with my best friend Becky, who had pet rats and was always getting me to watch R-rated movies at her house.

4. Listened to Phil Collins all the time in my room. My parents thought I was weird.

5. Had a new little boyfriend every week.

10 Years Ago, I:

1. Was 13 with no sign of puberty in sight.

2. Loved a boy named Jay more than I ever loved anyone else until Elliot.

3. Tried out for the school talent show with said boy singing a duet of "A Whole New World." We didn't make it.

4. Had recently been baptized as a born-again Christian and was trying hard to keep my new soul clean.

5. Could perform tricks on my trampoline that would make your heart stop just watching them.

5 Years Ago, I:

1. Was a senior in high school.

2. Had a car that started without a key. My friends liked to fuck with me by moving it during the day while I was in class.

3. Was praying that I could make the leap from National Merit Semifinalist to Finalist so I could get that great OU Scholarship. I didn't do it.

4. Worried about my best friend's involvement with a creepy older man with a child and nasty teeth.

5. Went to Homecoming with a large group of single girls; wow, how cool were we?

3 Years Ago, I:

1. Was living with Tracie and Laura and not on speaking terms with Kyle, who had broken ties with all of his friends because Laura had broken up with him and we all stayed friends with her. Holy fuck, I'm glad it's not three years ago.

2. Fell in love with my dorky English professor. Oh, Kenneth! Where are you?

3. Had an apartment that resembled a Taco Mayo.

4. Made a stream-of-consciousness PowerPoint presentation about Laura, which included the line: "Laura really knows how to lay the smack down. And by smack I mean heroin. She's my heroine."

5. Got my foot run over by a car for the second time (different foot).

2 Years Ago, I:

1. Was learning how cool it was to get drunk. Why did I ever avoid this?

2. Had been dating Elliot for almost two months. Awww...

3. Was living with Claire while Courtney was in D.C., and we got along better than I have ever gotten along with anyone in my life. It was the best roommate situation I have ever had; at least until the next semester.

4. Gave Claire a shot of Copaxone in her thigh almost every day. I was an excellent shot-giver.

5. Was so disillusioned with religion that I couldn't bear to step foot in a church.

1 Year Ago, I:

1. Was madly in love with Elliot, who was apparently ready to break up with me and start dating some Christian fundamentalist in his Greek class.

2. Was suffering almost daily panic attacks.

3. Worked hard every day for Howard Dean. I even had a weekly booth in the Union!

4. Met regularly with the OU Philosophy peeps on Wednesday nights at O'Connell's.

5. Began my obsession with Sex and the City.

This year I:

1. Joined AmeriCorps.

2. Moved to Austin.

3. Learned that although I thought I had been poor before, I was very wrong.

4. Paid well over $1,000 to fix my car four times.

5. Burned a lot of bridges that I should have burned a long time ago.

Yesterday, I:

1. Started eating and never stopped.

2. Went to see the lights and Christmas choir at Utica Square.

3. Won the free game in pinball for the first time in my life.

4. Held my own against Elliot and Dad while playing pool.

5. Actually got kind of drunk in front of my dad.

Today, I:

1. Slept very late.

2. Ate Frosted Mini-Wheats.

3. Had a long talk with Elliot that made me happy.

4. Snuggled with my parents' dog, Maxer. He's a good boy--and not like Everett was a "good boy." He actually is good.

5. Tried to finish this FUCKING LONG questionnaire. Will I succeed? We'll see.

Tomorrow, I:

1. Am coming to Norman!

2. Will attend a fabulous party at RockHell's apartment.

3. Will buy a birthday present for my brother and probably The Giles.

4. Will sleep late again.

5. Will probably squeeze Elliot until his bones crack--he's so cute!

5 Things I'd Buy With $1000:

1. Your mom, and then I'd have $998 left over.

2. Your love.

3. The family farm back.

4. One of those genetically engineered allergen-free cats.

5. The complete set of Loeb's classical texts for Elliot.

5 Musicians I've been listening to lately:

1. Frou Frou

2. Coldplay

3. Rufus Wainwright

4. Journey

5. The Rounders (OKC blues band).

5 Places I've Lived:

1. Tulsa, OK

2. Norman, OK

3. Houston, TX

4. Austin, TX

5. My mother's womb.

5 Biggest Worries at the Moment:

1. What's going to happen next year.

2. Elliot's mom. (That one's not a your mom joke; she's in poor health right now.)

3. Whether or not I should transfer to a different VISTA position.

4. My students' college applications.

5. Laura and her inability to choose men who are a) political liberals and b) good in bed. Good luck, darlin'!

You feelin' strong? Fuerte?

LauraSkills and I have identified the problem at the bottom of my non-blogging: my standards are too high for entries. I always feel that the things I write have to be substantial, interesting, funny, well-written, and intelligent. (Ed, save yourself a comment about how I never achieve this.) I don't just randomly update with meaningless but funny happenings of my day, and I don't do stupid online quizzes. I've decided that I should lower the standards a bit and update more often with shorter entries. Here's the quick run-down of my life:

Career: Still unhappy with my VISTA position, but things are getting a little better.

Love: Elliot and I are about to finish "The Month of Realness," an entire month of brutal honesty with each other. We decided that we were falling into Perfect Couple mode, where we always had to pretend we were perfectly happy even when we weren't. The Month went surprisingly well, and we've come out on the other end much stronger. The Month is expected to turn into a Lifetime of Realness--it was a trial run for a more permanent mode of operation. REAL!!

Family: Going to Tulsa for Thanksgiving. E-licious will join me, but Ed has refused my invitation. He'll probably spend his holiday with that ass-faced friend of his that wishes he was cool enough to be with LauraSkills. Anyway, Thanksgiving should be fun since we're having it at Grandma's house; she has the nice china and cloth napkins. Our dining room table, in contrast, has maybe two chairs (we used to have six) and it looks like it fell off the back of a truck. And cloth napkins? Not on your life--Mom's into disposable everything. If it can't be thrown away, it doesn't belong in our house.

Friends: Since I moved here, everyone I know has suddenly become a sex fiend, hooking up left and right. Purity scores are plummeting; remember to wear condoms!

Feet: Getting kind of calloused. Could use a nice pedicure.

Religion: Occasionally pray to Jesus when I think I'm about to get in a wreck.

Health: Thinking about getting one of those plastic pill things with the days of the week on it. Undecided.

Finances: Food Stamps renewal should be coming any day now. Until then, I'm eating your mom's cooch.

Alright, we just crossed a line. I'll be back with more low-quality shiznit later in the week.