Zzzzzzzzz (gasp!) Zzzzzzzzz (gasp!)

To those of you keeping track of my physical illnesses, you may now officially add sleep apnea to the list. My oxygen levels drop so low while I sleep that the nurse actually used the phrase "sleep deprivation" to describe what I apparently do all night, every night.

Good times! At least now you know those dark circles under my eyes aren't because I'm doing drugs, as my boss's neighbor told her after I finished house-sitting for my boss one weekend.

In other news, I've had a super-fun stomach virus for two days and have had no significant intake of calories or liquid during that time. Oh, and I'm still taking care of a 19-month old child. My life SO FUCKING ROCKS RIGHT NOW.

Time to go to sleep...I mean, time to suffocate on the installment plan.

Emails I Have Actually Sent Out to Everyone in My Building, Part 2

My beloved clients,

144 years ago this coming Friday, a small Mexican army of only 4,000 defeated the French army of 8,000 in the battle at Puebla, Mexico. Back then, [the company] was operating out of the back of a saloon in Laredo, offering its clients telegram services, fast horses, and a very primitive Flavia machine. My ancestor Mabel Lou was the Client Services Rep/barmaid before she died of consumption or dysentery or something, but she passed on her legacy so that I would be able to send out this email to you today and get you to come to the .......

FIESTA!!! That's right, folks! This Friday at 3:00pm in the atrium we are celebrating Cinco de Mayo, which is Spanish for "We Killed the French." We'll have a make-your-own nachos bar with all the fixin's ("nacho" is Spanish for the English word "nacho"), a piñata filled with candy, and yes, ¡bebidas alcohólicas! I don't yet know whether it will be Mexican beer or margaritas, but one way or another, you can get soused at work out in the open instead of under your desk for a change. If that isn't motivation to join the party, I don't know what is.

To help you get into the spirit of the holiday, I have included some Spanish phrases and their translations so you can say them at the party to impress your coworkers.

Me burro esta muerto, gracias.
My day is going well, thank you.

Una vez construi un ordenador de arena utilizando ramitas y trozos de cuerda.
Once we finish the construction on our new arena, we'll really be making truckloads of cash!

¿Donde puedo comprar un bigote falso para mi esposa?
Where can I buy a shirt like that for my wife?

Tráigame la pista del hombre que robó mis dedos del pollo!
Bring me another tasty drink!

Use these phrases at the party, and you'll be a hit! I can't wait to see you there. As the Mexican people say on Cinco de Mayo, mi alimento preferido es paquetes de la salsa de tomate.

Emails I Have Actually Sent Out to Everyone in My Building, Part 1

"The tax man has cometh, and now he has goneth."

Dear Clients,

Please join us this Thursday, April 20th, for our after-taxes breakfast celebration. We're all glad that tax season is over, and we need some comfort food to make us feel better about all the money we owe the government. We're not sure what to call the celebration yet, so please vote for your favorite title:

"Uncle Sam Has Left the Building"

"The Power of Deduction"

"Keep your Itemize on the Prize"

"Deep in the Heart of Taxes"

"Give Yourself Some Credit"

"Withhold Me All Night Long"

"A Token of Our Depreciation"

The celebration will take place in the atrium (look for the creepy fish) at 9:00am Thursday morning. We'll have breakfast tacos, sausage, biscuits and gravy, fruit, cinnamon rolls, and egg casserole. And don't worry, I personally will not be cooking any of these items.

See you there!

Doctor: I'm sorry, ma'am, but you only have six months to live.
Patient: Oh, no! What should I do?
Doctor: Marry an accountant.
Patient: How will that make my life longer?
Doctor: It won't, but it will SEEM longer.

It's a boy!

Amazing but true: Muskrat is a mommy, at least for a little while. Child Protective Services of Central Texas has awarded me temporary custody of sweet baby James, a.k.a. The Bug, and he'll be moving in with me tomorrow. I've decided it's time to be over my sabbatical, because I may need to rely on the kindness of friends. That, and there's no more alone time for now, obviously. Feel free to call with well-wishes and offers to change diapers. =)

If all goes well, little Bug will be returned safely to his loving parents within the week. If all does not go well, my life may change very drastically. But I'm trying not to think about that just now.

Wow.