Finding Love in Austin

My favorite new pastime is reading the Personal Ads in the Austin Chronicle. Some of these people are so completely insane that I'm not entirely sure they're serious. Perhaps it's just an editor on the night shift coming up with phony ads because he thinks the entertainment value will sell more copies. Here are some of my most recent favorites:

"GARDEN VARIETY SOUTH Austin hippie, employed slacker, 45, seeks all-cotton hippie chick honky-tonk kozmik kowgrrll, for lifetime of picking, grinning, shovelling turkey manure, dodging the IRS, subverting the dominant paradigm, and generally enjoying the ironic, absurdist Pink Flamingo worldview from the narrow regions of the Bell Curve in 78704." Just think about how much this ad must have cost the poor nutcase. I almost called him for a date, but I don't live in 78704. Oh, and I have this weird aversion to turkey shit. Other than that, we were meant to be.

"OBSESSIVELY FANATIC CHRISTIAN idealist seeking buck-wild, punk-rock, cyber goddess with a nose ring. Must love Jesus...but not too much. Amen." I don't know what a cyber goddess is, but I have a feeling I don't fit the bill. I also love Jesus too much; I would never desecrate the temple that Jesus lives in by putting a hole in its nose.

"SOUTH AUSTIN ROCK 'n roll guy, 52, got a straight job now. Seeks soul mate. I'm good cookin' and good lookin'." Why doesn't he just say, wanna date a recovering crack addict?

"CAN A FABULOUS , 50-ish fashionista find a faithful, fulfilling, fall-in-love forever kind of romance? Attractive, articulate, agreeable, artsy, animal adoring SWF seeks an aesthetic SWM who appreciates acumen, and abandon." Yeah, lady, there's nothing hotter than fucking alliteration. The truth is, you're sad, single, and sagging, and we all know it. Translation: 50s-ish = 59.

"CHRISTIAN. LIBRARY 11/27, green bike. You answered my ad, left unworkable email address. Intentional? If not, please call again." Yeah, I'm sure the whole email thing was an accident, and I'm sure it was very encouraging that she gave you an email address instead of a phone number. Good Lord, people are depressing.