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Emails at Work, Part 2

My loves, my only joy, my clients,

Are you in the market for an old, used, beige, enormous, bulky, multi-function fax machine? Then may I recommend the stunning JetFax M5 with Powerscan Multifunction Machine? And you won't believe the price--it's practically free! You don't have to give me one cent. All you have to do is hold me for 20-30 seconds while I weep violently (my therapist is out of town this week).

I couldn't find a picture of it on the internet, which may have something to do with the fact that it was built before cameras were invented, but I'd be more than happy to show it to you. If you don't think you could use it for its original multi-functions, then it could also be used as an extra chair, a decorative antique showpiece, or a bludgeoning device.

Act now! Don't let this beauty slip away!

(A) YOU EXPRESSLY AGREE THAT USE OF JETFAX M5 IS AT YOUR SOLE RISK. NEITHER -------, NOR ANY OF THEIR RESPECTIVE EMPLOYEES, WARRANT THAT JETFAX M5 WILL BE ERROR FREE; NOR DO THEY MAKE ANY WARRANTY AS TO THE RESULTS THAT MAY BE OBTAINED FROM USE OF JETFAX M5, OR AS TO THE ACCURACY, RELIABILITY OR CONTENT OF ANY INFORMATION, OR SERVICE PROVIDED THROUGH JETFAX M5

(B) JETFAX M5 IS PROVIDED ON AN "AS IS" BASIS WITHOUT WARRANTIES OF ANY KIND, EITHER EXPRESS OR IMPLIED, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, WARRANTIES OF TITLE OR IMPLIED WARRANTIES OF MERCHANTABILITY OR FITNESS FOR A PARTICULAR PURPOSE, OTHER THAN THOSE WARRANTIES WHICH ARE IMPLIED BY AND INCAPABLE OF EXCLUSION, RESTRICTION OR MODIFICATION UNDER THE LAWS APPLICABLE TO THIS AGREEMENT.

(C) THIS DISCLAIMER OF LIABILITY APPLIES TO ANY DAMAGES OR INJURY CAUSED BY ANY FAILURE OF PERFORMANCE, ERROR, OMISSION, INTERRUPTION, DELETION, DEFECT, DELAY IN OPERATION OR TRANSMISSION, COMMUNICATION LINE FAILURE, THEFT OR DESTRUCTION OR UNAUTHORIZED ACCESS TO, ALTERATION OF, OR USE OF RECORD, WHETHER FOR BREACH OF CONTRACT, TORTIOUS BEHAVIOR, NEGLIGENCE, OR UNDER ANY OTHER CAUSE OF ACTION.

(D) IN NO EVENT WILL -------- OR ANY PERSON OR ENTITY INVOLVED IN CREATING, PRODUCING OR DISTRIBUTING JETFAX M5, BE LIABLE FOR ANY DAMAGES, INCLUDING, WITHOUT LIMITATION, DIRECT, INDIRECT, INCIDENTAL, SPECIAL, CONSEQUENTIAL OR PUNITIVE DAMAGES ARISING OUT OF THE USE OF OR INABILITY TO USE JETFAX M5. YOU HEREBY ACKNOWLEDGE THAT THE PROVISIONS OF THIS SECTION SHALL APPLY TO ALL CONTENT ON JETFAX M5.

(E) IN ADDITION TO THE TERMS SET FORTH ABOVE NEITHER -------, NOR ITS EMPLOYEES SHALL BE LIABLE REGARDLESS OF THE CAUSE OR DURATION, FOR ANY ERRORS, INACCURACIES, OMISSIONS, OR OTHER DEFECTS IN, OR UNTIMELINESS OR UNAUTHENTICITY OF, THE INFORMATION CONTAINED WITHIN JETFAX M5, OR FOR ANY DELAY OR INTERRUPTION IN THE TRANSMISSION THEREOF TO THE USER, OR FOR ANY CLAIMS OR LOSSES ARISING THEREFROM OR OCCASIONED THEREBY. NONE OF THE FOREGOING PARTIES SHALL BE LIABLE FOR ANY THIRD-PARTY CLAIMS OR LOSSES OF ANY NATURE, INCLUDING, BUT NOT LIMITED TO, LOST PROFITS, PUNITIVE OR CONSEQUENTIAL DAMAGES.

Emails at Work, Part 1

Sarah,

I would like for you to read this email I just received. It is my belief after reading it that the man who wrote it is actually an alien posing as an insurance agent. Note my comments below.


From: Larry ----
To: (Muskrat)
Subject: Assitance with mailing

Cassandra,
This is Larry with ------. Our remote system is down so this is my personal email. Can you give me a price on stuffing about 125 envelopes for a mailout.

Respond to this email please.

Take the time today to listen to a child.
Larry ----



The whole email is utterly strange, definitely like someone trying to sound like a human but not quite succeeding. He hasn't yet learned the lesson on question marks, and he doesn't realize that his name will already appear both in my inbox and also in his signature, thus rendering the greeting "this is Larry" completely superfluous. The most interesting part is the line "Respond to this email please." What did he think was going to happen if he didn't type that sentence? That I would just read the email and say, "Well, he clearly asked me a question and needs a response, but nowhere in this email did he directly ask me to respond, therefore as much as it pains me to leave him in the dark, I will simply have to ignore his email and hope that the answer comes to him another way"?

I don't want space invaders in my executive office suite, Sarah. I will not stand for it.

A Tribute to Patton Oswalt: The Comedians' Poet

"At Black Angus, we'll start you off with our appetizer platter, featuring five jumbo deep-fried gulf shrimp, served on a disc of salted butter, with fifteen of our potato bacon bombs, and a big bowl of pork cracklins, with our cheese and butter dippin' sauce."

"Uhh...we're all gonna split that--"

"OH, YOU'LL EACH GET YOUR OWN! Then we'll take you to our mile-long soup and salad bar, featuring bacon and cheese cream soup and our five-head of iceberg lettuce He-Man salad, served in a punch bowl, with 18 pounds of ranch dressing, pork-stuffed deep fried croutons, and what the hell, a couple of corn dogs!"

"Uhh...hey, man, I'll tell you what, I'll just...I'll get like a mixed green salad."

"Hey, I'll suck a cock on the Golden Gate bridge before I bring you a mixed green, buddy!"

"I--what? I--"

"Then we'll wheel out our bottomless trough of fried dough!"

"I--wha? Wait a minute. Am I getting a steak?"

"Oh, you'll get a fuckin' steak! 'Cause then we'll bring out our 55-ounce Los Mesa He-Man steak slab, served with a deep-fried pumpkin stuffed with buttered scallops, and 53 of our potato bacon bombs."

"Oh, dude, I don't think--"

"And then bend over, Abigail May, 'cause here comes the gravy pipe!"

"I--wh-what?

"Black Angus. Doors are locked from the outside, faggot!!"

We'll see...

Hey [Area Director for our Company],

We here at the [our office] were torn over whether or not the following message would be an appropriate invitation to our Holiday Party. While the message is designed with the intention of offending no one, the possibility was raised that it might offend those who are offended by those who try to avoid offense. We therefore send it to you for your opinion:


While [our company] neither promotes nor denigrates the celebration of any religious holidays and respectfully recognizes not only the equal validity of all religions and celebrations thereof, but also the equal validity of those who do not adopt, practice, or follow any religion and/or those who are undecided on whether or not they adopt, practice, or follow a religion and/or any religious, nonreligious, or semi-religious individual who decides for whatever reason that he or she does not wish to participate in celebrations on, near, or inspired by religion, nonetheless we have reached a time of the year when many offices around the country tend to celebrate a "Holiday Party," which is to be considered a non-offensive, unaffiliated, festive end-of-the-year event, brought to the members of an office with the intention that none of the individuals in said office should be alienated by the celebration for any reason whatsoever, including but not limited to race, color, creed, nationality, religion, gender, or sexual orientation, while still recognizing that those who are for any reason offended by the celebration hold a viewpoint as valid as those who are not offended, and so we at [the company] cordially invite you to our "Holiday Celebration," the invitation being made with the caveat that the word "holiday" is meant solely to refer to the myriad holidays surrounding the season and refers to no holiday in particular, nor does it imply that those individuals who do not celebrate any holidays during this time of year are unequal in any way to those that do choose to celebrate actively, passively, or both. What?

I wish I were a little girl again

I use the word "fuck" a lot in this post

I'm really starting to understand why Jeff was in such a bad mood all the time when he worked for Northwest Lawn. It doesn't matter how much your job pays; when you work these kinds of hours, you want to kill the first person you see after you leave work. I have to work from 8:00am until AT LEAST 10:00pm tomorrow. And at least Jeff got to surf the internet while he was at work; I will be reprogramming the entire voicemail system from square fucking ONE.

And it will fuck up. Don't worry about that. It WILL fuck up. And then I'll have clients calling my cell phone all weekend, telling me that they can't access their voicemail because our Telcoms technicians have no fucking clue what they're doing. Of course, none of the clients can call THEM. The evil-ass multinational corporate fucks that I work for made damn sure that everyone in corporate is un-fucking-touchable, while I, a motherfucking ENGLISH MAJOR, have people screaming at me to fix problems that only a network engineer is trained to fix.

And are the people in the office understanding? Sometimes, but what does it matter? I can think of four companies just off the top of my head with satellite offices in my suite who rank at the top of the Fortune 500. Do you think enormous, soulless corporations like that wait patiently while a 25-year-old girl with scuffed heels re-cables their T1 connections? NO. They have their bullshit, outsourced, idiotic IT fucks call me at all hours of the day and bitch at me. It's all I can do not to hand them the number of OUR bullshit, outsourced, idiotic IT fucks and let them try to verbally fuck each other in the ass.

FUCK THIS FUCKING JOB!!!!!!!!!!